Beru's Haven

Trying to live as normal a life while knowing I have cancer...

Monday, April 03, 2006

Remember Me?

Yeah, it's been a while.
Well, I went to Houston and told Dr. Z about the pain I was having, so she examined me and called Dr. F about it. Dr. F then ordered me to his office the next morning so he could see. After a painful exam, he said he wanted me to go into the hospital so that he could schedule a gastrointologist to do a scope procedure on me. Lovely. The nurse told me how to get to the admissions, but advised to eat something first, because I was going on a liquid diet.
Argh. I decided on a Chick-Fil-A in the cafeteria and then went on to admissions. It didn't take too long to get into a room, and at least the room was private.
Around 8PM they brought me this gallon jug of nastiness that I was to drink a cup of every 15 minutes. After my 7th cup took an hour to drink, I started on the 8th and just started to gag myself. I decided it wasn't worth it. I was in a lot of pain, despite the meds, and this was causing more pain and the gagging- I would skip the procedure rather than drink it. The nurse wasn't too happy, but, oh well...
Next morning they were brainstorming on different things they could do to get me ready for the procedure without me having to drink that stuff. Eventually they came up with these little bottles of nastiness I could drink- two of them- and a liquid diet for the full day as well. Fine with me. They weren't the best tasting liquids- and one I had to take at 5 in the morning, but much better than a gallon.
Oh yeah? Was I by myself? Yes... My aunt and uncle visited me the first night, but I was in and out the next two days. Still, in the waiting room for the surgery, everyone had someone with them, but me... and the nurses would ask "Are you by yourself?" and I'd have to answer a pathetic yes... I felt pretty alone...
Eventually, I went into the procedure room and they stuck these things in my nose for oxygen- which just frustrated me. Then they were hooking me up for meds and come to find out the iv they put in my arm on Wednesday didn't actually go into the vein. I had to have a new one done- fun- but once they gave me the meds to put me in conscious sedation- I was OUT.
I woke up in recovery, and don't remember anything- which is probably best.
I didn't bring my cell phone charger, either- so my cell phone was dead. Things just stayed quiet with my only real interaction between me and the nurses until I was discharged on Saturday morning.
Went straight from the hospital to the airport for my flight at 1PM. Then to Target for some prescriptions, and then home. I was in bed early on Saturday, in a great deal of pain.
Sunday morning Linda called and there was a death in the extended family and she had to watch her cousin's children and was unable to go to the Phantom. Alexis was going to drive us to McKinney and then Linda was going to drive us to Dallas, so this meant new plans. I ended up skipping my pain meds so that I could drive.
Bad idea.
I loved the play though, moreso than Alexis or Mary. We went to Cheesecake Factory afterwards, and then home.
Aidan was still awake and waiting for me before he'd eat dinner. Which, I really wish dad hadn't allowed, but... While talking to him about what he was going to eat I started having sharp, stabbing pains and ended up having a breakdown in the kitchen. Dad cooked him scrambled eggs and pancakes.
I went upstairs and took two of my pain pills immediately. I was able to tuck Aidan into bed, however. He told me "Don't worry Mommy, you're tummy will feel better one day."
He also mentioned the fact that he misses Ms. Felicia (Brad's ex) and that his father messed up and made her angry and she kicked him out. Sigh. I told him that it had nothing to do with him, and that everyone still loved him.
Anyway, my pain has really increased in the last few weeks, as has my nausea. They did a biopsy when they did the scope- maybe that will explain some of it. I know that my last scan showed good news, however, my tumor markers are remaining high, and the increase in pain has me concerned that the cancer is no longer responding to the chemo and the cancer is growing again. I do have a kidney infection, which would explain some of the pain, but certainly not all of it.
My leg continues to swell if I spend any decent amount of time on it, unfortunately. My pelvis hurts most of the time to walk, to sit, especially getting in and out of the car, etc.
It just feels like my condition is getting worse, and it worries me.
I have things I want to live for. Things I want to do. To see. You know, you can say "Well, you could die in an accident tomorrow!"... and yeah, you could... but when you are facing down death before your time, it still doesn't make it easy- because you already know it's coming.
Sometimes I feel encouraged, but the reality- I'm facing something that can't be cured, has a high level of reoccurence- even if I get in 'remission', and my best hope is for what amounts to what is basically a temporary stablization- because your body starts fighting against chemos after a while.
So, right now... feeling discouraged. Depressed. Confused. Alone. Misunderstood.

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