Beru's Haven

Trying to live as normal a life while knowing I have cancer...

Friday, March 24, 2006

Fun with Civil Servants

Yesterday, Jose from the Social Security Administration called me and told me I need to come to see him and bring my birth certificate, and Aidan's, today. Ah, one of those things I just never got around to- getting the official one for Aidan.
Now, Denison is a really small city. City Hall? Yeah, most big cities it's this impressively large building. Not here. Here it is a brick two story building on the corner- if you blink you miss it. It's smaller than some of the antique malls we have downtown.
I would have thought by now that everything would be on the computer. I was wrong. The clerk pulled out a little (well- maybe 5 inches thick) book and found Aidan in there. Unbelieveable. Just a little slip of paper in a small binder. I don't know what they would do if there was a fire. Scary to think about.
Then again, you wake up in the morning and you don't read about the latest shootings, etc,. in the local paper. There are days, trust me, where things happen, but in general it's pretty quiet. I feel safer than I would if Aidan was down in Dallas or Fort Worth, for instance.
So, I got the certificate and drove out to the highway. A little fuzzy so I stopped and bought a little cheeseburger and a Coke at McDonalds. I hadn't had any breakfast, and I really should eat when I take my meds. I need to clear out the fridge and buy some stuff that may interest me to eat. Right now, that really isn't anything. Not even the popular Baked Cheetos. The thought of food pretty much repels me. I should take my nausea meds, right? Yeah, I know.
The point is that I think if I add any more pain medicine to my system I don't think I'll be able to drive. Maybe I just need to build more tolerance to the morphine. The hydrocodones I've maxed out and I'm used to them. Add them together and I'm pretty loopy. Not a problem if I don't have pain, but unfortunately, right now- I do.
I drove down to Sherman though and ate that awful hamburger on the way. Got there and had to wait around 20 minutes before Jose saw me. Heard one of the workers there "argue" with an older man about his benefits. She was nice, but I felt sorry for the guy, nonetheless. I think he has to wait until July for some sort of enrollment because there is a lapse in his medical insurance between jobs or something. I don't understand how ANY of the stuff at SSA works, I'm not going to lie.
Anyway, I was approved. I was shocked when he told me that yesterday. Isn't it typical that they just go ahead and deny you the first time and then you have to appeal and fight? That's what I've always heard. I think my mother had to fight for hers back in the early 80's and she had major heart surgery then. I makes me wonder exactly what the doctors said about me and how bad they consider my chances, etc. Really. Because all I know is that I'm tired, but sometimes I almost feel like maybe I've just gotten used to not doing anything. But when I try and do something then I just get fatigued so quickly, and I can't concentrate very well.
Take last night. Aidan came home with a piece of paper saying he was to wear a WHITE shirt and TIE for his photos today. NEXT DAY. Um, could you have given me more warning on it? Sigh. I was going to put him in his nice blue shirt, but now I was left to have to take care of him for the evening then go on this quest.
After he went to bed, I got dressed- which took a lot of energy to just do that- and then out to Wal-Mart. I thought maybe they would have a decent enough selection just for a photo- I mean, Easter is coming. Nope. Had to get him one of those prepackaged shirt and clip ons. It hurt my fashion sense to buy it. It was AWFUL looking- the tie. I kind of hoped the shirt wouldn't fit around his neck and therefore he would have an excuse not to wear the tie. It fit. Darn it.
I'm walking around Wal-Mart and it's hard to breathe and my legs just feel weird. I have peripheral neuropathy due to the chemo, but I'm not sure how to describe the leg feeling. Anyway, I just felt odd, and old, and out of shape. I think I was more aware of it because I was by myself without anything distracting me. At Disney, or the Con, I had things going on. Not to say I didn't feel it there, I did, but I just wasn't quite as aware and felt more pushed to move on.
The ladies on my support group just started talking about "chemo legs", so I guess I'm not alone. The doctors think my lymph nodes in my legs aren't working properly though, and that is what is causing my swelling.
The point is, I wonder what my paperwork says. "She has 1 year left if the cancer keeps spreading the way it is." What does it say? What was so bad that I was approved the first round? Well, there is no point worrying. I guess I'm glad that it's done. It's more money because Aidan is eligible for benefits, too.
Part of it bugs me though. It seems kind of final. And I want to return back to work. Until I can take better care of just some of the things around here, I know I wouldn't be able to perform as expected there- especially not on morphine!
Ah... this morning Aidan woke up at 5:45 calling for me. MOMMY! MOMMY! Run in there and he just wants me to tuck him back into his sleeping bag. I do and I go back to bed. He comes in the room and thinks it's time to get up. Otter usually takes care of him in the morning, and isn't up yet. I tell Aidan he can watch cartoons in my bed, so he jumps up. Hmm, Power Rangers aren't on? Weird. Well, I find 2 Stupid Dogs and he's happy. Then another show. Hmm. Otter must be running late. After another hour I notice that he had woken up an HOUR early and I just didn't realize it. Sigh. You really don't sleep when you have a child wide awake in your bed asking questions and such. I love him, though, despite the lack of sleep.
My weekend is open at this point. I'm too drugged to drive, and a bit in too much pain to sit still in a movie theatre- not that there is anything out there that really interests me.
I think I'm going to try and get some more paperwork done... and toss out these two plants I killed... Yeah, one has a little green left on it, but it's pathetic- it's like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree... poor thing...
I appreciate all the support, too, by the way... The IMs, the comments, the e-mails... it's good to know that I have friends out there who care...
I think tomorrow I'm going to try and get some of my mother's stuff put away to take to the charities. I might even ask Mary if she'll help some. It would be good to have company.
Am I feeling better? Yeah, I think I am... I'm calming down, chilling out some about things. I still am trying to come to terms with the cancer and my mother... and trying not to be panicked about opening up to a new relationship.
Things take time. And I need to learn how to stop over-analyzing somethings. Just relax.

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