Beru's Haven

Trying to live as normal a life while knowing I have cancer...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

What do you get a girl that's got cancer?

I went to MD Anderson 2 weeks ago tomorrow. They did scans, did xrays, and pretty much came up with the same thing the other oncologist did. They can't cure me if that "unknown" is cancer, and chances are it is since it's still there, yet smaller since I had the previous chemo treatment. They will try to at least get me into remission, but my tumor marker is high, which means chances are it will just keep fighting to grow back.
I had chemo last Wednesday, and then the shot of neuplasta on Thursday. Friday I drove home by myself from Houston. I figured that Friday I'd be okay, but no later than that- as it usually takes around 3 days to kick in. Friday night it started hurting and it's stayed that way thru to today. I'm not sleeping well, and to fall asleep I have to drug myself. I didn't do that last night, so I fell asleep around 7:30 this morning and slept for around 4 hours.
I don't want to take the pain pills because they drug me up and I already feel so out of it without them. I do things, I think, and then forget what I did. I could sit and have a conversation and not be sure if I mentioned something or not, so I'll just repeat what I said, if I said it to begin with. I'm just always in a dream-like state and I feel just so out of it- it scares me, and I frankly don't like it at all. Then I get mad. I get mad that I can't remember what should be the simplest things, that I can't do things I used to do without losing my breath or getting exhausted, mad that I'm all bloated up, mad that I can't seem to keep food in me, and then mad that I'm mad. I also get frustrated because I don't want to bother my friends with this sort of thing, so I keep it as quiet as I can. I don't want to be where they just get tired of hearing about it, which I'm sure is irrational, but it's how I feel. I don't update all my friends on my condition, because I don't want to feel like I'm complaining or whatever.
And my mom is doing bad. I think my cancer has caused her to throw her body out. I try telling her to snap out of it, but then, what do I know, maybe she can't.
I was asked out a couple of weeks ago, and actually said yes, only to have the guy ignore me when I tried contacting him upon return from Houston. Don't even know why the change. I actually liked the guy, and thought at least friends, so that also was kind of sad. Maybe I just shouldn't even bother- AT ALL.
I wish I could snap out of what I'm physically going through, but I know I can't.
I'm staying as positive as I can, but somedays I just have to cry... alone...

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