Beru's Haven

Trying to live as normal a life while knowing I have cancer...

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

And how has YOUR day been?

This morning I just didn't want to get out of bed. My son spent last night (well, the weekend) with his father, so I didn't have to wake up early, plus I had a doctor's appointment at 8:45. I was asleep at around 10:15 last night, but it was so hard to wake up this morning- even at 7:20. Anyway, dragged myself out and had breakfast- Kellogg's Red Berries (it's my fav), and then had to decide if I wanted to wear my work clothes to the doctor's or not. It's a dress day at work today, so I had to dress nice. Decided it would be quicker to get to work if I dressed nice to begin with.
Dr. L didn't get into see me until 9am, and it was my annual pelvic. Now, if you are a guy, I don't blame you if you don't want to read this- and it's not going to get really detailed- but something rather major- so you decide. I've been having issues for a year now, and been on the pill, hasn't seemed to really help much- and my doctor does my exam and tells me she doesn't want to worry me, but I need to see a specialist ASAP because it looks like it's cancer. No, no pap smear results back, physically I have cells growing inside of me that she can see and feel. She tells me she also wants to check my bloodwork, but she'll send the medical assistant in the room so I can lie down and relax- which is odd, because usually I have to go to another room. The assistant comes in all reassuring me and such, but I get these looks of sympathy from her and my doctor's nurse as I leave to go upstairs to see the ob/gyn next. Yeah, that bad that I'm sent to wait for them to see me the same day, but my doctor says that he'll just do an exam, won't have time to spend doing a biopsy or anything today since the other ob/gyn is out on vacation and he's pulling double duty.
It just so happens that M had the 9:30 appointment for Dr. L- so before I headed upstairs I see her in the waiting room and tell her. We hug. She encourages me.
Upstairs in the waiting room, I call work. Not going to be able to come in today. The manager I speak to was my previous manager until around a month ago- she knows what I've been going through.
Finally get in to see Dr. P. who asks if I'm on my period since I'm bleeding. I tell him, no, it's not due for aound a week, and that it's just from my pap smear. He says that is not a good sign. I don't even know what he does but he examines me and says sorry a lot for hurting me. Tells the nurse to go ahead and prepare for a biospy. Does the biospy. Says we'll get the results back on Friday, hopefully, and they will call and let me know. I ask him if these types of cancers are easy to overcome. Says that until he knows what kind, doesn't really want to speculate, but there are so many different ways of treating them. Chemotherapy, perhaps, maybe it's something that I can just get a hysterectomy, but he'd prefer not to have to do that at my age, of course. He tells me it's impossible not to worry, he knows, but try not to... let's get the results and go from there.
I decide to go tell my parents. Mom isn't home, dad is... he gives me hugs and tells me to call mom and tell her to come home... but not to tell her why... she asks if I can tell my Aunt G. who she is with. So I tell Aunt G. who then tells me that she's had a false thing come back from a pap before, and the next one was fine. I explain to her that I have things growing inside of me- it rather didn't need a pap result to tell the Dr's something was wrong. Mom and her are trying to track down Aunt G's psycho daughter T. I tell Mom, since Aunt G is just going to anyway, and tell her not to worry about coming home- I'm going to go home and try and take a nap... I'm home, not napping...
Not sure what I'm going to do yet... but it'll probably involve a movie and curling up on the couch until I have to pick up my son. I miss him badly. Haven't seen him for several days. Just wish he didn't have to see me crying...
I need to get it together- in around 4 hours. Wish me luck!


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